Lipstick is a movie about a closet lesbian and her fears and experiences when she was coming out. Lipstick focuses on Emily. a soccer player who has a girlfriend. unknown to her best friends. Although she loves her girlfriend so much. she couldn 't dare tell even her best friends because of the fear of being ostracized by them. She feels like this because of the stigma that society places on gays and lesbians. Her girlfriend. on the other hand. pushes her to become more open of what she really is admitting that
the process is indeed difficult. but is worth all the difficulties in the end
The moment when Emily 's friends found her in the restaurant with her girlfriend after she excused to herself from going out with them. they were still oblivious of their deep relationship. Because of Emily 's girlfriend 's disappointment on how she was afraid of telling them what their relationship truly was. she left. only to be held back and kissed in front of Emily 's friends. This came as a shock to them and they left as soon as they could
After a while. Emily avoided them thinking they didn 't want to be with her. However. her friends continued to invite her and expressed their friendship by still being with her. One of them. though didn 't feel comfortable about the whole thing for quite some time. refusing to talk to Emily and avoiding her as much as she could. It.
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By Hannah Parry For Dailymail.com 21:00 GMT 04 Apr 2016, updated 00:42 GMT 05 Apr 2016
After almost thirty years secretly pining after his boss, Waylon Smithers has finally come out of the closet.
The touching Simpsons episode, which aired last night, sees Smithers admit his true feelings to Mr Burns.
Longtime show writer Rob LaZebnik told the New York Post he wrote The Burns Cage - a pun on movie The Birdcage - as a show of support for his son Johnny, 21, who is gay.
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'I am a Midwestern guy, so I don't tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I thought, 'What better way to tell my son I love him than to write a cartoon about it?' he said.
Of course, Smithers' sexuality won't come as much surprise to fans of The Simpsons.Related Articles
Over the past 27 years he has appeared rollerskating in rainbow shorts out of the Stonewall Bakery in Springfield's gay district and has become the official president of the Malibu Stacy fan club.
He has also had a number of racy fantasies about his crush including one where Mr Burns jumps out of a birthday cake - Marilyn Monroe style - singing 'Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers.'
But Rob LaZebnik, 53, said he did not want Smithers' 'coming out' to be comedy and overblown, but based it on his own experience when Johnny came out to him and his wife Claire.
'We didn't really want to have that big moment of 'I'm out,' you know?' he says. 'Instead, just have it be a big embrace — like everyone knows it.'
The episode began with a skydiving adventure gone awry, with Smithers, voiced by Harry Shearer, forced to save Mr. Burns when he passes out mid-leap, allowing his backpack and parachute to fall right off of his back.
He courageously saves him - showing off a rainbow-colored parachute embellished with his boss' face.
And with the realization of how close he came to losing him, Smithers is ready declare his undying love to Mr Burns when the curmudgeon quickly stomps on his heart by telling him he 'is someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth.'
Heartbroken, Smithers takes out his frustration on power plant workers Homer (voiced by Dan Castellaneta), Lenny (Harry), and Carl (Hank Azaria).
They then decide they need to find him a new man to put him in a better mood, with Homer later taking to dating app Grinder for a little help.
Their efforts result in a mixer - equipped with a chatty George Takei, who wants to dish on 'Bill Shatner horror stories' - where Smithers seems unimpressed by their plot.
However, as he goes to drown his sorrow he finds a connection with the bartender Julio (Azaria who also appeared in the film The Birdcage).
They are then seen together on a series of romantic dates jogging, drinking together and traveling to Cuba together.
The couple even get a license, with Julio - who first appeared on the Simpsons in 2003 as one of Homer's temporary roommates in Three Gays of the Condo - planting a kiss on Smithers' cheek. It later turns out to be fishing license.
Sadly, the relationship doesn't last.
After 27 years of unrequited love, Smithers still can't quite move on from Mr. Burns, who has found that his company is falling apart without his loyal assistant.
So in the end he finally makes the big gesture that Smithers has been waiting for - giving him a performance review: 'Excellent.'
Smithers goes back to work for Mr. Burns - after the two share a hug - still lamenting his single status though he later discusses his love for 'the thrill of the chase.'
The writer's son, Johnny LaZebnik, was touched by the episode but said that the 'revelation' that his father loves him was 'thankfully' not much of a revelation at all.
'He's unbelievably accepting. We're as close as a straight dad and a gay son could be,' he said.
Rob said that he had had the idea for Smithers a few years back, and showed his son an early version of the script to get feedback on it.
And it seemed he was a fan as he said: 'I was really happy that someone who has experience with a gay person in their immediate family was writing the script.'
It is not the first time The Simpsons has addressed the issue of homosexuality.
In episode 'Homer's Phobia', Homer is horrified after learning that new family friend John is gay. He becomes paranoid that his influence could 'turn' Bart and insists that his son goes hunting to secure his heterosexuality.
But when the trip backfires and the reindeer they were trying to shoot attacks the hunting party, it's John that comes to the rescue.
It ends with Homer accepting John and telling an oblivious Bart, who he still believes may be gay, that he will accept him however he is.
'There's Something About Marrying' in 2005 also focused on gay issues including same-sex marriage.
"Ich bin schwul und das ist auch gut so"---I am gay and that is a good thing”. This is what Berlin’s Mayor Klaus Wowereit prior to the 2001 mayoral elections said. In a matter of seconds, everybody throughout Germany knew about it. There was positive feedback about his coming out, but it also aroused criticism.
In this essay, I would like to discuss the assets and drawbacks of coming out the closet. I think this is a very important subject because many people struggle with their sexuality. Reflected in this struggle, many people are flawed to the degree at which they hide their sexuality. It takes a lot of courage to come out the closet and therefore many homosexuals decide to rather stay anonymous. How different one can react in regard to this subject is shown in Tony Kushner's play “Angles in America". Most of the characters in this play struggle with their sexuality as well. Roy, Joe, Louis and Belize all deal with the issue of coming out throughout the play. However, every single one of them deals differently with this issue. Prior is definitely one of the most openly gay characters in the play. He demonstrates certain openness about his sexuality within the play, he shows his dependence on his boyfriend Louis when he is not feeling very well. Prior says at the end of the play: “I can handle pressure, I am a gay man and I am used to pressure". (Here Prior implies that being gay has made him stronger than most people; discrimination towards him, has made him "tough.") Contrary to him, for example is Joe, who is definitely not comfortable with his homosexuality and is married to a woman. Later in the play, he eventually leaves her to explore a relationship with Louis, but the marriage shows his state or condition of being closeted. Last but not least there is Roy, who is clearly feared to express his sexuality. He calls himself a heterosexual, even though he has sex with guys. "Because what I am is defined entirely by who I am. Roy Cohn is not homosexual.
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information given in your book on that theme. The “Comingout ” process also known as “comingout of the closet ” is a turn of phrase for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual(LGB) people who reveal their sexual orientation to the people around them. The process of “comingout ” is never easy for many gay people. They are ashamed of themselves and for what people will think about them. They are afraid to tell their friends and family because they feel as if they won’t be accepted anymore. There are six stages in the comingout process, the first stage is identity confusion, and this is the stage when the person going through this experience cannot accept the fact that he or she is gay. They usually ask themselves several times “who am I?’. They are confused with their sexual orientation; in this stage they usually consider themselves liking someone of the opposite sex only because they don’t want to be different. Gays, lesbians and bisexuals usually question their identity and usually hide it by dating people of the opposite sex. The second stage is identity comparison; this is the stage where the person now thinks “I may be gay”. They start getting this feeling because they realize they are not attracted to the opposite sex, but they are really attracted to the same-sex person. Then the third stage comes along called identity tolerance this is the stage where.
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Comingout of "My Heterophobia" Closet Growing up in a heterosexual world as a Lesbian who remained in many closets . has shape my identity and the way I will transact with people for the rest of my life. Upon comingout of closet . or being pushed out (by suspension from parents and friends) at the age of eighteen or nineteen I quickly assumed the bi-sexual title because it meant at least there was hope for me in the future. This proved to be worse for my self-esteem, and may have caused the most damage because even though I was free to come out . I was still afraid (somewhat) of taking the big leap and being totally ostracized by my friends and people I know. So I felt one million times worst trying to be bi-sexual than I ever did being heterosexual, I knew I was betraying myself before, but now it felt like the ultimate betrayal. During the next year or so I finally got the courage to come out as a full blown Lesbian, and life has never been better. I wanted to shave my head and start over fresh as a new person who has this fresh new identity because I wanted nothing to do with the heterosexual and bi-sexual life I had lived in the past; I was on a mission to prove I could be as gay as anyone else. That meant forsaking all straight clubs and hanging out with the straight friends that I had, cutting my hair and.
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Alison Bechdel’s memoir, Are You My Mother recounts her extremely difficult and painful relationship with her mother as well as the struggles she endures due to her queer identity. For individuals that identify as homosexual, disclosing their sexual identity can often be a negative experience that works to oppress rather than liberate them. This memoir illustrates how a deep, almost obsessive attachment, to a queer individual’s parent can work to further complicate, worsen and intensify the common issues faced by those who decide to “come out of the closet ”. This paper will outline how Alison’s deep obsession with her relationship with her mother worked to create both her lesbian identity and a desperate need for her mother’s acceptance of this identity that she is never able to achieve because of negative outcomes that commonly result from “comingout of the closet ”. In addition, this paper will also outline that Alison’s fear of alienation from her mother is so great that she compromises her deeply held beliefs to adopt the very homonormative attitude that she despises and refuses to write about at the expense of the professional success that she so urgently desires. Alison’s deep, life-long attachment to her mother is not only explicitly suggested in her memoir’s title but is the central and guiding theme of this book. Her constant obsession with analyzing and deciphering how her mother’s behaviour.
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they ran out of the house and let the door slam behind them. Chapter 2 After walking a while, they finally stopped and realized they were a long way from home in a part of the neighborhood they had never seen before. There were fairies as beautiful as princesses’ birds with the rainbow colors on their feathers all different kinds of animals, beautiful butterflies and the most unexpected fairies they thought they’d only see fairies in there Fairy Tale books. It soon became dark, Jesse and Mary Sue had fallen asleep on a rock. When Jesse and Mary Sue woke up in the morning, they saw that all the animals were lying next to them. After they’d been there a while the animals bird and fairies started asking how they found their way there. The children told the truth, they said they’d gotten mad that their father was getting married to a women they didn’t like so they ran away and when they stopped they were there. After telling them that the animals said they were glad they found their way because now they had someone to play with. Then they introduced the princess of the fairies, her name was Patty. Her dad, the king of the fairies, called her Patty the Pooh. She was very pretty, she had short Blonde hair with a crown made out of gold and an outfit fit for a princess. The princess said she had good news, one of the fairies was going to have a baby fairy. Everyone congratulated her.
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the teachers because they can try to personalize ways methods of teaching per student so that they can better relate to the material and have a better understanding of what is being taught. There may be some limitations for how effective getting personal can be for every subject, but I believe that it is still a good thing to do because it provides a more comfortable environment for the class. 2. What did you think of the instructor sharing a room with a student on the field trip? The thought of sharing a room with your instructor makes me uncomfortable with the situation, so I don’t think that it would be appropriate for an instructor to share a room with his or her students. I understand that there were reasons for it and that it turned out to be okay with the student, but most of the time it would be an uncomfortable situation. 3. Do you agree with the statement that "the vast majority of young people could not care less about the sexual orientation of their professors"? Explain. Yes, I do agree with this statement because it is a subject that shouldn’t matter. The students are there to get an education, not know about their professors sexual orientation. The sexual orientation of your professors doesn’t determine their ability to teach a class. I believe the personal connection would be a nice way to establish a friendly setting in the classroom, but there are boundaries to where it gets too personal and it becomes useless information. 4.
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day I came out was the first time I finally felt whole, and true to myself. It was one of my many off days I have, which usually isn’t the day to screw with me. It was first hour health my junior year of high school, and it just so happened to be the day we talked about homosexuals, and homosexual sex. We got threw about half the hour, and out of the blue a boy in my class yells out . “Are you gay?” all of the sudden I’m in complete shock! The classroom grew quiet in the drop of a hat it grew so quiet you could hear the kid next to you texting. I can’t even explain in words the feeling that took over me. It took me a second to realize what just happened, and to respond to his question. My response to his question was “Yes I am! Do you have a problem with that?” but in nicer wording nothing was said after that thank god for the bell. The rest of the day sucked I felt like every time I walked past someone they would look at me like I was the plague, or they would talk about me to there friends as if I couldn’t hear them. The next week was pretty much the same. I never thought me comingout . as an open gay male in high school would be so rough. In time though things got better people either accepted it or they didn’t either way I was done with caring about what other people thought of me. I thought the hard part was done boy did I think wrong. Now it was time to tell my family. So one night I was.
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Have you ever wondered what was the most memory or moment in your life growing up or an event that made you who you are today? Well there were so many memories in my life or situations that made me who I am today, there was a time when I was not sure what my orientation was, as my secret began to overwhelmed me with stress and awareness, and when I wanted came out to the people that were close to me and tell them that I was and still am a homosexual. Before I revealed my sexual orientation to everyone, I was wondering if I was homosexual or not, it started in the beginning of September in 2009. During My last year of Junior High at Luther Jackson Middle School, as I always hanged out with my friends and experienced middle school, I started paying attention to guys more often than I did, it me think about them and felt attracted to them. After a while I started having feelings towards my best friend Fernando Noda. We always spent a lot of time and had fun together, but during the time I was still too nervous and scared to tell him or anyone. It would always build more pressure the longer I kept my secret. As soon as middle school was over, a couple months after I was moving away from Fairfax County to Prince William County. My thoughts about our Family were depressing. I never wanted to move because I did not want to leave my friends and of course my best friend Fernando. as weeks past I did not like the new place our family was moving to.
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the problems that we had. One of my friends told everybody "that there is such things as aliens and it happened 1 year ago on this very day, 21st may. I came back from my friend's house and I was walking and then I saw it. There was lights surrounding a circular object and I started to feel fear inside me. Then it illuminated more brightly and then I saw it but I thought to myself it couldn't possibly be a flying saucer. Out of no where I saw the door opening and then a plank falling down and then came out these aliens. They were short and they were wearing a mask. Their eyes were popped out . I saw that they were armed and I knew that I had to hide. I decide to hide in the bushes. They stood at the end of the road and waited and waited but I didn't know what they were up too until later when I saw a person pass by and they shot him right in the heart. Then I saw ice comingout of the bullet where it was shot and covering the victim. Then two guys approached the victim and carried him to flying saucer. The flying saucer then started to turn and then it lift out of the ground and disappeared into thin air." All of my friends were listening to every word that he had just said. I knew that it was one lie that my friend had just cooked up and I was sure that I was not going to believe it. That night I made my way back home and suddenly I heard a shot and then I felt a sudden pain. I turned.
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I’ve never been too concerned with what others think of me. I’m not afraid to be naked in front of people, dance in public or speak in front of a crowd. That’s why I surprised myself by how nervous I was to tell my own mother I’m gay.
My hands were trembling on the steering wheel as I explained how my “roommate” was not just my roommate. Her silent response was super awkward, but also crushing. When we got home, she locked herself in her bedroom for two hours crying while I paced back and forth downstairs. When she finally resurfaced, she hugged me tighter and longer than I ever remember her hugging anyone and I thought, I came out of the closet. It’s finally over.
Wrong. One of the biggest misconceptions about coming out of the closet is that it’s a singular occurrence. A one-stop shop. Wam, bam, thank you, ma’am! I thought I would drop the lesbian bomb on my family and then wash my hands of it forever. In reality, coming out to my mom only opened the floodgates to a million more situations that would require me to come out of the closet again and again… and again.
Coming out means having to answer to questions like, “Well, what is your grandmother going to say?” and, “Have you told your four siblings? What do they think of this?!” Or better yet, “What about all of your friends?” There’s also this delightful comment: “Don’t even bother telling your father!”
I quickly realized that this would be an uphill battle. I was looking at a lifetime of people assuming I was straight until I set the record straight… and by straight, I mean gay. Pretty perplexing, wouldn’t you say?
It doesn’t help that I’m generally an awkward human being, especially when it comes to expressing myself and letting people in. Needless to say, coming out of the closet repeatedly isn’t on my top ten list of favorite things to do. I recently got a “lesbian haircut” thinking it would stop people from immediately assuming I’m straight, but it somehow only works about 39 percent of the time.
Every time a situation calls for me to come out of the closet yet again, I get that pre-diarrhea-nervous punch in the gut. You know the feeling — it’s not good. For example, my stomach roiled when I started a new job and had to come out to my coworkers, when I went to my friend’s Thanksgiving meal and had to answer to her obscure and homophobic aunt, when the woman doing my manicure wouldn’t stop asking me if I have a boyfriend… The list goes on and on.
The point is, having to constantly come out of the closet to a wide array of people can be exhausting. That is one of the many reasons why LA Pride — or really any Pride weekend — is such an exciting and celebrated time for gay people. Pride is like an emotional vacation from having to worry about awkward conversations, kissing my girlfriend in public or not being ladylike. Pride is the one time and place where everyone is assumed to be L, G, B, T, Q, I, or A and that’s the way it should be.The Moment I Came Out
Thanks for the A2A. As with everything - it depends: on the person coming out, on their audience, and on the backdrop against which it happens.
To expand on Erica Friedman 's and Tom Morris ' point - you don't come out just once.
I'll start by describing what it's like to come out after you've already come out (several times), and then I'll go more towards the Big Dramatic Reveal type "coming out" moments.
For me, today, it's a bit like being at a career fair you don't want to be at, and unexpectedly having to interview for jobs you don't want - but can't afford to pass up.
In other words: You feel like you have to sell yourself to strangers, every now and then. (Obviously, not every time it comes up that you're gay involves "coming out" - but I'm just talking about those times that it does.)
You don't always get to decide when the subject comes up, or how often.
You could be in conversation when someone says something you feel you should respond to, as in Erica's anecdote.
You could be at a party with friends, and while meeting new people, you want to share a story about something that happened to your same-sex partner - or an ex, or even just a hook-up.
Or you could just be getting a haircut, and the barber makes small talk: "My girlfriend, she crazy, you know - oof. You have girlfriend?"
Now that normally-unremarkable/trivial moment prompts you with a choice to either opt out of that social interaction altogether, or get on a little stage and "come out".
Do you address the comment directly - and risk revealing that you're speaking with a passion or insight that comes from experience?
What noun do you use to describe your same-sex liaison in that story? If you say "ex", what pronoun do you use - i.e. one that gives away their gender ("he"/"she"/etc.) and thus your orientation, or one that doesn't ("they"/"them"/etc.)? If you try to be non-gender-specific and they respond using the wrong pronoun, do you correct them? ("The last time I was going out with a Canadian, they were crazy." "Yeah? What did she do?")
How do you respond to this total stranger cutting your hair? Do you just try to brush it off and say you're single (even if you're not)? Do you try to cut off the conversation and attempt to pass the rest of the time in silence?
Your sexual orientation isn't just an adjective that describes you - it's a capital-"I" Issue, a capital-"T" Topic. When it comes up it automatically becomes the Subject of the conversation.
And you are called to make a decision to deliberately not raise it (which can often feel like you're hiding it, even though you're not still "in the closet" - on which note, to elaborate on the point that Erica made: Not only do you never stop "coming out", but even after you're "out" you can still find yourself hiding your sexual orientation in one way or another), or get out on that familiar little stage and recite your rehearsed interview.
I say 'interview" because the topic involves your emotional life and your intimate relationships with other people. Being gay isn't like being blonde, it's a Thing That People Talk About On TV, it's a Statement Of Your Personal Ethics And Politics. Now you're on display, and you find yourself having to audition to get to play the part of a normal person in the eyes of the people you're now "coming out" to.
You get this sense that other people "got the job" already just by showing up.
They don't have to do this little recital to earn the right to shape how people think about them, but now you have to apply for that position - the position of "being in charge of how I present the image of me to the world". Maybe you see yourself as being funny, or quirky, or nerdy, or athletic, or insightful, or anything - and normally, your social efforts are to express those parts of yourself that you decided are important and worth knowing about you. Too bad.
Now you have navigate this social encounter to not just be Gay. In effect, you have to explain why that Topic shouldn't dominate what your social audience thinks about you - either in general or even just for that moment - and why you should be allowed to return to the normal social dynamic of choosing what other people should know about you, or should see when they look at you.
And, of course, on top of all that are the particular consequences of being gay in whatever context you happen to find yourself in at that moment.
Even after you're "out" you could find yourself somewhere where you don't know if you want people to know this about you, where you don't know if it's safe for it to be known that you're gay - and "safe" can mean anything from "I don't want to deal with the shitty stereotyping or feeling of judgmental eyes on me while I eat my meal" to risking harassment to actual immediate danger.
You didn't want to have to make these calls and evaluate these factors now. You were in the middle of something else. You already "came out" dammit, can't you stop having to go through this and get to go through life normally now?
Of course, sometimes you can afford to "turn down" the job by punting the interview. But there's a cost for that, too - you're excising yourself from a social interaction that "normal" people don't remove themselves from, and that gets noticed.
And of course, sometimes you just don't fucking care anymore. And that doesn't necessarily mean you're exasperated or frustrated - sometimes you don't feel this whole dynamic that I'm describing come to the surface. Sometimes it genuinely doesn't.
Sometimes you get to go through a conversation while "outing" yourself, and continue the conversation without anyone batting an eye.
Sometimes you're allowed to pay as little attention to your sexual orientation as straight people do.
Sometimes, you get to be a spastic goofball about it like I do .
Often, though, it's not.
All of this is heightened when the audience isn't just some stranger, but someone closer - like a family member.
There are some members of my family that cared for me, for whom I was a source of great happiness particularly in the twilight of their lives, who died without knowing that I was gay. That's a weird sort of weight to carry with you. Not guilt, exactly, nor regret - but a fact. That's a conscious decision you made: You decided it was better to carry this secret to their grave.
Other people have it much worse than even that. I'm incredibly fortunate to not have had to endure that, and I always have admiration for those who did.
I'd like to share the flipside of that, though: My one surviving grandparent "came out" for me - that is, she figured out I was gay, and told my parents, to then tell me.
She realized that I was outgoing and happy, but that she had never ever heard of a girlfriend, or a girl I was interested in - even though it didn't seem likely that I was single my entire life - so she put two and two together. And she wanted my parents to know that she knew, and that she was happy for me - that she was happy that I was happy, that she didn't care or worry about it, and that it's not something that needs to be hidden from her. I was impressed, and touched, and I let her know.
Coming out to yourself is a whole other kettle of fish. Yes, you do have to come out to yourself. But this answer is long enough and I'd like to end it on the nice note from that little anecdote, so I'll leave that for another time.
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I came out of the closet twice.
Initially, I came out as gay and told my parents, brothers, and friends. I got a pretty good reaction from my family, and my friends. Everyone was more than okay with it, some were even just waiting for me to do so because “they already knew”. I told each person individually. I sat my father down and told him, with my mother, I hinted at it and then finally blurted the truth and with my brother, I told him in person while we were sitting in his car.
My second time was when I came out as transgender. This time, the reactions were more different. My parents had an initial shock as they never expected me to be trans but my brother could care less (lol) My mom hopped on it pretty quickly and my dad came around to it right after. My extended family reacted astonishingly well and accepted me with open arms. ) It was wonderful! My friends were delighted and happy for me once they realized who I truly was and that I had figured out who I am. I lost a couple of my closest friends but I gained a bunch more and became far closer with the ones I did have. I sat down my parents and brother on a hot summer day and told them the truth. My brother already knew as I had earlier told him who I was through Facebook messaging (lmao).
What made me come out?
A lot of things. Primarily, I had thoughts gnawing at my head pertaining to me truly being a girl. When I came out as gay (because I was attracted to boys), I though that that would be the end of it. I was right initially as those thoughts were silenced. Later on though, as time went by, the thoughts reappeared and this time, stronger. My mental illnesses were also quite rampant and I knew that I had to take the chance when a lot of old emotions reappeared. What sealed the deal and gave me the courage to accept myself wholeheartedly was when one of my favorite YouTuber, Gigi Gorgeous. came out as transgender. When she spoke about her truth and I realized I could apply everything she said to me and my life, I researched the term extensively and immediately felt it resonate with me. So, I took the chance and I can say with 100% certainty that I am more than delighted I did :) I truly got better :)
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Tom Morris. Out & proud, demanding equality.
I like that the question asks what is it like rather than what was it like. A common misperception inculcated by many hundreds of depictions of coming out scenes in movies, TV shows, books and other media is that it happens once. You have some kind of emotional moment of self-revelation, usually to one's parents, and then life goes back to normal, albeit better because you are then out.
Or your parents throw a major stroppy fit and you have to coax them through a few years of them being Bible-bashing nutjobs, who eventually end up coming around to the fact that one is gay, perhaps through expensive therapy, through some kind of support group or reading of books called things like Still My Son: How To Cope With The Fact That Your Child Is A Rainbow-Flag Waving Penis Lover or some equally melodramatic Oprahesque scenario.
I'm not going to deny that this happens. It does.
But if we are trying to find an analogy in fiction for the continuing process of being out, it is more like something out of ‘The Office’. Yes, coming out for the first time is dramatic (or perhaps melodramatic), political and, yes, scary, but it becomes a dull and uncomfortable task, like getting a dental filling or modern air travel.
My coming out took two forms. Firstly, I wrote an extended essay/rant called Oppression, identity and sexuality which I published on my site. I had heard some twit on the radio discussing gay marriage. I can't remember who exactly, but I'm pretty sure they prefixed their name with either "Bishop" or "Archbishop". And it made me damn near snap with rage. Over the course of a few days, I channelled my utter contemptuous, steaming rage into a few thousand words and editorially sliced it and diced it until I was happy with it. I put more editorial care into that than I did my Master's thesis.
Secondly, about a week after publishing it, I came out to my parents. My mother was all gooey and supportive, and she seems to have made the mental connection between my coming out and being a lot happier in life, and making positive decisions about things like education and my career. My dad was pretty nonchalant about it, which is to be expected.
Looking back, the rant was perhaps a little overwrought, but what's done is done.
That is, of course, the big dramatic bit. Then you have the not so big and not so dramatic bit, namely the little daily coming-outs. That's what they don't tell you about. Yes, you need to come out, but you are gonna be coming out for your whole life. And it's a pain in the ass to do it.
Because whenever you meet someone, start a new job, go to some event and start chatting with someone, you have to gauge whether and when. Actually, firstly you have to work out whether they already know. You start a new job and someone makes a joke that could be perfectly innocent or could have a possibly gay interpretation, and you have to work out whether they meant it innocently in jest, knowingly in jest, or knowingly with malice.
It'd be much easier if one just walked in and said to everyone "Hello, I'm Tom, I'm your new co-worker, I've got a Master's in philosophy, I have previously worked in both government and the private sector, my favourite cheese is Roquefort, and I like dick. Any questions?"
But obviously then, one does not wish to openly advertise, to "flaunt ". One is not supposed to flaunt one's sexuality, except of course, when you are getting married, having children, dating, having framed pictures of one's partner on one's desk, talking about one's girlfriend, informing one's colleagues of one's recent proposal to said girlfriend etc. Every new job requires you keep a set of books in your head of who knows and who doesn't, so you can come out but not in a massive this-is-a-big-deal kind of way, but in a non-chalant-dropped-into-conversation kind of way. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work because—and I hate to stereotype—straight people aren't good at subtle. Crikey, there are people who still earnestly believe that Kenneth Williams and Liberace weren't gay, and probably still aren't too sure about Graham Norton. You can drop the biggest goddamn hints on the planet and people don't have a damn clue until you draw them the proverbial diagram.
So, yes, you then have to come up with creative, non-intrusive, non-tacky ways to come out, or not. And we are then back to the closet again. One rebuilds the closet at work, not out of fear or self-hatred but just out of plain old discomfort. We are working shorter and shorter jobs, sometimes now months rather than years. The baby boomers had an average of 10-11 jobs in their working lifetimes. I've got friends who've had 10 jobs by their mid-20s. So, yeah, coming out every six months or so to new co-workers: that's going to be so much fun, I'm almost wetting myself with excitement.
Of course, you learn at a certain point to not give a shit. Alcohol helps with this, as with so many things. And one's ability to not give a shit fluctuates over time depending on other things in your life.
But coming out of the closet—even if it becomes a near daily nuisance—is still a great thing to do. It's not so much pulling off a sticking plaster as brushing your teeth every day: it becomes routine, but important, for your sanity rather than your dental health. Being out is a way to live honestly, truthfully and with integrity. Being out encourages others to come out, and it encourages friends to fight for your rights.
So, yes, if you are thinking about coming out, do it. It'll suck, either in a grandly melodramatic way, or it'll suck in a vaguely uncomfortable repetitious way, or possibly both. But the suckiness of coming out is more than outweighed by the benefits from being out.
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Because the most common sexual/gender dynamic is a couple comprised of one female and one male, partnered in a monogamous relationship, but in reality sexuality is more fluid, over a lifetime people may end up "coming out" about any number of things to any number of people.
One does not come out once and it's all done. One comes out to one's self, to perfect strangers, to one's friends and family, to more strangers, to co-workers at every new job, to more perfect strangers, to new friends. on and on and on.
Yesterday I wore a t-shirt that said, "Legalize Gay" and a perfect stranger said to me, "Isn't it already?" I replied, "no, I can't marry my wife, so no." He waved dismissively, "I'm from New York, so. " I said, "In 33 states in the US I can be fired for merely being gay. So. not even close." He was shocked, a little embarrassed and apologized. I said I wasn't even remotely upset, but that the reality was that not even half the states in the US recognize my relationship and the biggest obstacle I have right now is making people understand how their presumption that it is legal is not helping me get any closer.
So there I am, opening my life up to some perfect stranger in a store. Again.
One comes out many times over many years.
It's nerve-wracking in the beginning. Now it's not a thing for me, but it might be life-changing for someone else.
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For me, coming out as lesbian when I was 19 was easy. My family didn't care, my friends didn't care, it seemed that I cared the most and once I got past that everything was fine.
Fast forward 19 years through three long term partnerships with women interspersed with me wondering if maybe I should have given guys a try (more than the 30 seconds with a gay guy that pretty much sucked). Now I find myself predominantly attracted to men. And, in a way this forced me to come out of the closet again.
For the most part the response has been similar to my first coming out, people just want me to be happy. But, some people are struggling and say that I'm totally a lesbian and just grieving my marriage. That's possible, but I really don't think so.
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Josh Siegel. Archer, Programmer, Skydiver, Photographer, Autistic
Initially coming out was easy. You write emails to all your family and friends. update your social media, and boom. Issue solved. You get a flood of 'ohhhh. That explains it..' and 'oh, I always knew. I am too.' or 'congrats'
Then, as others have talked about above, you keep having to come out over and over. Your new doctor, a new co-worker who you have become friends with, etc
And each time you make this choice, you pick your path and you are committed to it. For example, I picked the 'avoid the question' route 6 years ago with a co-worker on the first day at a job (panic) and now I am in the closet with the whole office. Arg.
When he saw me post here, he sent a email with a major WTF. He was offended that I had lied so long ago by omission. I said, 'why should it matter?' And he said 'it is who you are. '. Not as closeted there now. )
Another route is the LGBT t-shirt worn everywhere for a few days (i did this recently). Now you suffer the elephant in the room problem. Everybody is painfully aware that you are outing yourself universally and struggles to pretend they don't notice.
Why should it matter to the woman at the front desk of the gym? Well, if I am straight and checking her out, I am a jerk. After the t-shirt I noticed a new outfit and she says cheerfully 'what do you think?'. I am no longer a threat.
Of course, you can map the room at the gym by who is suddenly avoiding working out near you and who suddenly is friendlier (woman all became friendlier and were willing to work out near me)
Every day you play this game.
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